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4th year without my father

Today’s the 4th year of my Dad’s death/transition.

I had all kinds of thoughts and feelings Sunday and yesterday about what I’d share. Now that I’m at my computer, all my thoughts/words have dissipated.. Now, I don’t know what to say.

In Toni Morrison’s documentary, The Pieces I Am, she stated that she had “a strong, negative reaction to the world” after her Father died. As soon as she said it, I started bawling in the theater. Toni Morrison was in my head and had expressed feelings I didn’t have words/language for.

I felt locked in the anger phase of grief for a long time ( I was so angry, I thought being in rage for that long would begin to fuck up my liver. For three years I stayed in that stage. The anger started lifting last July. It was no miracle, just lots of therapy, shadow & spiritual work, crying/bawling & journaling.

Grief isn’t linear: we aren’t moving through and “completing” stages, i.e. “OKay, I’ve been shocked, I’m over that stage & moving to the bargaining stage”. LOL. Nah. It doesn’t work that way. We can go through periods of shock, then depression, anger, then acceptance, back to shock/anger, finding meaning, then back to depression. The combinations are endless. Lol. I’m learning to accept all the stages I’m slip sliding, and at times, slamming into.

I’m learning that the 6th stage of death is “Meaning”. To me, that means emotionally supporting those folks who’ve lost their fathers, too. By having a listening ear, holding space. And so much more, for real...

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